Forever Alone?

Okay, so the title is slightly misleading because I'm not some depressive girl who believes that they're gonna be forever alone but for the time being I am alone, well single anyway.

From when I first started dating boys to now, there hasn't really been a time where I've been single for a long period of time, I just didn't like being on my own with my own company so I really didn't like breaking up with people.

I got into my first serious relationship when I was about 17 which lasted properly for about 2 years, then up until late last year it was very on/off. During the 4 years I was with him, I'd gotten engaged to him twice, nearly married him once and had a baby with him, pretty hectic 4 years if you ask me! So when we split up for the final time, it was obviously very strange for me to be on my own as a single mum.

A month or so after I got into another relationship which lasted 5 and a bit months, up until recently when I ended it for various reasons.

I never usually end relationships but after my holiday and talking to my best girl friends, I realised that I've never actually spent more than 2 months on my own and at the age of 21 I don't really know myself. So for the time being I'm going to enjoy being single and being a Mum to my daughter before I actually settle down with 'the one'. I want to be able to experience things without having to feel guilty about it, obviously I won't sleep around every night but if I want to have sex with someone I like, then I bloody well will.

Up until now, I've pretty much looked out for other people and always done what other people want me to do but now I'm gonna be a little bit selfish and do my own thing. Obviously I can't be too selfish because I'm a Mum.

Things may have not exactly gone to plan recently as I've ended up hurting someone in the process as well as sleeping with my best friend, but these things happen and I'm not gonna say I regret it because I'd be lying. I could have approached it differently but thats all in the past now.

Within the next month or so, I'll be flying to America and spending the next 2 years travelling and dancing, which is what I want to do. If I spend those 2 years single then so be it, if I find a guy I like abroad then fine. What will be, will be. All I know is I'm making sure I stay single for at least 6 months and that in itself will be an achievement I'll be proud of doing for myself and it'll make me realise what I actually do want.

In the meantime, I've got my best friends, family and most importantly my daughter, and they're not gonna ditch me because of my decisions which is why I love them. I'm doing this for me and no one else.

So until then I will be alone, but not forever.